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Where were you when 2015 began?
At home, with family. We were celebrating Eli’s first birthday the next day!
Who were you with?
The Sullivan family, Scott family and Breese family!
Was 2015 a good year for you?
Yes. I had a great year! Not being pregnant, not working night shift, and not having a new baby does wonders for the ability to rest. There was a lot of work, don’t get me wrong, isn’t there always though? But it was a great year!
What countries/states did you visit?
Justin and I took a cruise with some family to Cozumel, Belize and Honduras. It was an awesome, relaxing, revitalizing experience.
Did you keep your new years’ resolutions?
Sort of. Yes, mostly. I wanted to go a year without eating candy – which I mostly did! No candy at Easter or Halloween, which are my two big holidays with stuff I love to eat. However, I did take a day off in May so everyone in the family could eat Wonka candy while watching Willy Wonka – Benjamin and I read the book, and followed it up with the movie.
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Finally, NO. But next year Cory and Erin will be adding a new baby to the mix!
Did anyone close to you die?
Not particularly, but one of the Lieutenants that retired from Cedar Park passed away, and that was very sad because he was really an amazing guy. Also, we lost one of the Fire Department administrators at work, her name was Debbie and she was SO incredibly sweet. They both will be missed!
What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don’t think I have had any particularly standout dates.
What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
Taught my first “Train the trainer” in February for SAFVIC, which was an AWESOME experience!! Took both boys to their first baseball game in April. Sent my son to school – although that’s really more of a first for him than me! We bought a truck!
Did you have fun in 2015?
What do you wish you’d done more of?
Found more time to be a Husband and Wife instead of just Mom and Dad. Being married is a lot of fun, but if you don’t take time to have dates you really miss out on connecting. I exercised a lot, but I wish I had done more, more consistently.
What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d been injured/sick less.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31! We drove out to Houston to visit family. It was a quick turnaround trip, and I ended up offending one of my family members inadvertently, so I spent most of my birthday feeling like absolute crap over a breakfast plan misunderstanding. That’s the second year I’ve had a bad birthday experience for at least part of the day, so I think next year I’m going to make my husband take me away for the day! This year he bought me (besides the truck) a nice flannel shawl.
What did you want and get?
Justin and I have needed a vehicle with one more seat for some time, for the times we need to transport 4 kids and 2 adults (which is more often than you’d think). So we debated what to buy and finally pulled the trigger on a 2013 Chevy Silverado with low mileage and leather interior. I’m in love with it and we’ve already been camping once in it!
What did you want and not get?
Debt free. But my priorities shifted this year, and it is worth it to remain in debt because now I have the vehicle necessary to go camping. Also, did not get to spend more time outdoors. Spent a lot of time the end of the year working, and unfortunately all the days off I did get were usually bad weather days!
Whose behavior merited celebration?
Amanda. She doesn’t see me watching, but she’s turning into an incredible young lady.
Whose behavior made you appalled, depressed, or sad?
All the folks that left dispatch (Vanna, Charitie, Jared, Jen, etc) made me very sad.
Did somebody treat you badly in 2015?
Not particularly. I think there were a few situations where Justin wasn’t treated like he expected, and that had a significant impact on me since we’re married – so, sort of, but only as a bystander.
Who were some new people you met?
Vanna, Ginger and Jono.
What was your favorite month of 2015?
Probably August. We took the kids to the beach, Benjamin started school and Justin and I started our cruise (and finished it in September).
What was your favorite moment of the year?
Probably Benjamin starting school, when he looked at me and said he was good for us to leave him. So big! I’d also have to list Eli finally saying “I love you” back to me! Also, buying the truck with Justin!
What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Taking Eli to the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing. That was stressful and terrifying.
What was your favorite TV program?
STARGATE! Who’d have thought?
What was the best book you read?
Tough call. I read a BUNCH of books this year – it’s been really awesome having the kindle, I read so much more. The most EDUCATIONAL book I read this year was “Parenting your powerful child” by Kevin Leman. The most ENJOYABLE book I read was Ready Player One. And the book that was the most well written was The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood.
What were your favorite films of this year?
Big Hero Six (I know I technically saw it for the first time the year before, but I watched it a LOT this year) I also really enjoyed Age of Ultron and Inside Out….I really missed a lot of good movies this year though due to schedule, so hopefully next year we can watch a few more.
What was your favorite video game you played this year?
What was your favorite new technology/application?
My fitbit! I got it at Christmas – so not much time to use it – but it’s already been well appreciated!
What was your greatest musical discovery?
I really enjoy the following songs this year:
Maps – Maroon 5
Let her go – Passenger
Honey I’m Good – Andy Grammar
Counting Stars – OneRepublic
Shut up and Dance with me – Walk the Moon
Thinking out Loud – Ed Sheeran
What was the best thing you bought?
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I made some good strides in priority evaluation and I lost quite a bit of weight. I also received an award at work for “Distinguished Leadership” which is an amazing honor that made me feel recognized in my efforts at improving relations between employee and employer. I’m so blessed to work where I am, and this award means quite a bit to me.
What was your biggest failure?
I just can’t eat healthy for nothin’! At least, not consistently. I keep trying!
Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got most of my PF under control but broke my ankle (well, hairline fracture, but it still hurt a lot!). I also got sick ALL of November and half of December with Bronchitis and sinus infections that would NOT end. Then I had tinitis (ringing in ears) until Christmas morning. However, it did make me more greatly appreciate my health and I’m going to try really hard next year to spend more time appreciating my good health when it’s around.
Where did most of your money go?
Medical bills. We were crazy sick this year, especially the boys. School starting and allergies did a number on our wallet!
What kept you sane?
Who did you miss?
Friends. All of them.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner!
iii. richer or poorer? POORER! But – happier. I’m willing to make the trade off.
Did you fall in love in 2015?
I usually say “over and over again” but I would have to say no – this year was one of the years where we worked hard to maintain – not in a bad way, just in a “we’re in this for the long haul and not every year is all roses” kind of year.
Did you lose anything important this year?
My church. I’m still feeling the effects. I’m heartbroken and I believe this is the right decision for my family, but it’s not an easy one and I’m so very, very sad.
What was your proudest moment of 2015?
Benjamin’s first piano recital!!!
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2015?
Calling someone “Fellatio” over the radio
(On a scale of: Very Good, Good, Fairly Good, Fairly Bad, Bad, Very Bad)
• Relational Health – Good
• Emotional Health – Good
• Physical Health – Fairly Good
• Social Health – Very Bad (My status did not change AT ALL in 2015, so I’m downgrading this and planning on working to address this next year!)
• Spiritual Health – Fairly bad
• Intellectual Health – Good
• Financial Health – Fairly good
In the future:
How will you be spending Christmas?
Already had it! We spent it at home, with the family, and it was awesome. Aunt Lynn, James, Teresa and Amanda joined us and there was lots of presents and lots of fun. We spent the day playing with the boys playing with all their new toys/games. I got a new Fitbit Charge HR, which I’m looking forward to having!
How will you be spending New Years?
Not sure – I work at 6am New Year’s day, so we will probably stay in with the family, maybe play some games, and enjoy time with them.
What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
Hmmmm. I would like some more friendships. I would like to have a church home – which I did have for most of 2015, but lost at the end.
What are your plans for 2016?
To spend more time outdoors, to get Eli introduced to the potty (not trained, persay, but at least on his way), to get Benjamin riding a bicycle with no training wheels, to log more time on my bicycle, to get my BMI to 27.4 (170 lbs, right in the middle of “overweight” instead of obese. I previously set a goal at the start of 2015 to be at 185 by the end of 2016, but since I made it to 208 by the end of this year I decided to go ahead and aim for lower for the end of next year…we will see!
Will you make any new years resolutions for 2016?
Maybe. I don’t know yet – I am seriously considering taking a year long social media break.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:
You only have one life to live. This is it, folks, a few trips around the sun and then you’re dead. I believe this life is just a jumping off point for eternity, and I know not everyone believes that, but either way I believe and really learned this year that you have to make the most of it. Live hard, love harder, work hard, and push yourself. This is the only chance. You’re worth it to make the most of it.
So worry less about the bank account, but save as much as you can.
Try to be as healthy as you can, but enjoy a piece of cake now and again.
Set goals, push yourself, and strive for greatness.
I know that’s all really cliché advice but this year I really realized how true it is.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars, yeah we’ll be counting stars
Yesterday you turned the big 3-0. Thirty. Take a deep breath. That’s right. You are officially out of your 20’s.
Your 20’s were good to you. They brought you your husband. Your kids. Your career. Your passion.
But they were rough, too. The loss of your brother, your parents. Chronic sinus problems. Back trouble. Bad feet.
You’ve had some good times – times you’ve laughed until you’ve cried, times you’ve cried until you laughed. Sometimes those events were the same day! There’s been lots of lessons learned. Lots of friends made, and more than a few you’ve lost touch with over the years. You’ve learned relationships are tough. Sometimes really tough. Tough just to keep going – tough to put the extra work in to keep the flame alive. But oh, so very, very worth it.
I guess I wanted to write you this to give you some advice. Advice you probably won’t listen to, but you’ll nod and smile and say you’ll listen, and I wanted to write it out here so there were witnesses, so to speak. So here it is. The big advice for you going into your 30s: Do hard stuff.
Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Friendships are hard. Work is hard. Faith is hard. Cleaning is hard. Downtime is hard.
Cooking is hard to find time for in light of all that other stuff.
Be kind to yourself – but also, be good at doing hard stuff, because at the end of the day that’s really what life is about. Dig in to the moment, be present and real with people. Acknowledge that you’re doing something hard, and then do it. Give yourself a break when you fail, because you’re going to. Just be ready for it. Every day you’re going to wake up with 57 things to do and you are going to fail to do most of them.
Try to do them anyways. Don’t half-ass it, either, because who wants half-ass attention? No one. So do one thing really good. And then do another, and another, and another. You may end up with 14 good things by the end of the day. Awesome. You did good. You failed at 43 things, but they don’t matter because you rocked at 14 things.
When you turn 30 (if you’re me) you start to think about your legacy. At the end of my life I want to be known as someone who was real. Someone who had to dig her way through life with broken nails and tear stains and dirty tennis shoes who was a real person to the people she interacted with. I don’t want people to think I’m something I’m not. I’m a mess – just like every other human being on this messy broken earth.
By the grace of God I’d like to fight against that brokenness – the brokenness that destroyed my parents, the brokenness that threatens to take others every day… I’d like to BE KIND and DO HARD STUFF because it helps fix some of that brokenness. And if on any given day I can only do 14 good things, or even just 1 good thing, it means the world is that many more things better than it was yesterday.
One of my friends posted about this poem on facebook, and I thought it was worth posting here. Happy Father’s Day to my amazing husband who is one of the best Father’s I’ve ever known!!
A careful man I ought to be,
A little fellow follows me.
I do not dare to go astray,
For fear he’ll go the self-same way.
I cannot once escape his eyes,
Whatever he see me do, he tries.
Like me, he says, he’s going to be,
The little chap who follows me.
He thinks that I am good and fine,
Believes in every word of mine.
The base in me he must not see,
That little fellow who follows me.
I must remember as I go,
Thru summers’ sun and winters’ snow.
I am building for the years to be,
In the little chap who follows me.
by Rev. Claude Wisdom White, Sr
Benjamin – on a natural christmas high from getting presents and being surrounded by family and love all day long.
Various friends and family – scattered throughout the house.
Papa and Nanny bought Benjamin a fake black and decker tool set for Christmas so Benjamin could “help” Papa work on stuff. He had cycled through all of his toys at least twice already that day.
Christmas night, 9pm, at home. Benjamin is playing in his playroom, there’s several people in the kitchen baking cookies and Benjamin’s parents and Aunt Charla are in the living room standing around talking about the days events. The weather outside is, appropriately, frightful. Low 30’s with a severe wind chill.
Dim lights. Three adults speaking to each other in murmured conversation as they hear loud footsteps. All heads turn to see the two year old running towards them, still in Christmas best, wild sugar-fuled eyes, small pupils, a large smile, and his left arm raised into a 90 degree angle with his hand holding a small plastic hammer. The child runs through the kitchen, deftly dodging the cookie-bakers, straight at the small group of adults. At the last minute he swerves to the right, still at full speed, towards the closed back door. Without a word he flings the door open with his empty right hand and starts to push against the cold breeze. The adults watch as the cold temperature registers in his brain and he steps back, slamming the door, and turns to look at the small group of adults who up until this point have been silently watching.
JUSTIN: Benjamin, what in the world are you doing?!
The child looks at his father with the wild, excited eyes of a two year old on Christmas night.
BENJAMIN: I WANT TO BANG THINGS!
JUSTIN: Son, that feeling will never go away.
The child, unaware of why his comments are funny, turns from the adults and starts to hammer away on the closed door. The outside chill, for now, forgotten.
Last week you turned the big TWO!! I was reading the letter I wrote you at 21 months and it’s amazing how much you have changed. Even over just a few months you change and grow.
You still talk and talk and talk. You love to run through the house, play with swords, and tickle Mommy and Daddy. The dogs drive you crazy (especially Frankie), and when you and Frankie are energetic and chasing each other you both drive US crazy. We’ve been swimming half a dozen times this summer and if I put you in your swim donut you can swim around the pool yelling “Kick! Kick! Kick!” as your legs frantically propel you forward. It’s a joy to watch.
We had your birthday party the day after your actual birthday. Lots of friends and family came over. I made you chocolate and vanilla cupcakes with chocolate and vanilla ice cream. You started crying when I lit the candle on your cupcake and everyone started singing. I’m not sure why – maybe the attention? Maybe the singing? However, as soon as we were done and you got to eat the cupcake, you were much better!
You got some neat toys for your birthday and love to play with them. Lots of animals and blocks and cars and trucks. Puzzles and dinosaurs and oh, my, the vehicles. Our house has become a speedway and you are the driver of racing machines darting in, out, and over the couch.
We took a trip to California almost two months ago. We were worried about how you would do in the plane, but we shouldn’t have worried. You love any kind of vehicle, planes included. Daddy sat next to you on the plane and talked about how you were going to go really, really fast, and go up, up, up! You loved it. We rode in the car for ages and ages, and you rarely fussed about it. We drove through random subdivisions in Elk Grove, and you asked if we were going to Mae Mae’s house! It was the cutest thing, and you made Mae Mae’s mom giggle about it when I told her. We went to a wedding for my best friend Amy. You love Amy, and you loved dancing at Amy and Keith’s wedding. We went to Monterey Bay Aquarium, and you had such a blast hanging out with your 3 cousins. We went camping (which you LOVED) at my old camping site in California. It was heart-wrenchingly beautiful to see you scale the same rocks I had scaled as a child. To see you in the “rock club” and down at the water’s edge was an incredible experience for me. Even though the water was freezing cold you stood in it until your feet turned to chubby little icicles, and you loved it. Watching you eat s’mores with your cousins is a memory I will treasure forever.
A few weeks ago we travelled to Senatobia, Mississippi to visit Papa’s parents. Mimi and PaPaw loved you, and we loved visiting them, and you had a good time running around their house and showing off. A mere week after that we went down to Houston for your cousin Austin’s graduation. Each road trip you demonstrated your willingness to sit still when needed, your love of movement, and your love of music. I love how you love music.
Son, I’ll be honest, because it’s my letter and I’m allowed to be: I don’t know what the future holds for you. What I do know is that you capture the attention of people – your joy, your mannerisms, and your movement. Watching you is like watching life take place – it’s like observing the best the world has to offer. Maybe you’re just like every other two-year old on the planet, I’m not sure. I hope that I can teach you to harness that attention-grabbing skill and use it to better the world around you. I know that living with you teaches me every day the meaning of slow down. Observe. Breathe. Love. Be patient.
Your Daddy and I talk about you, often, after you’ve finally given up and gone to sleep. We lay in bed, snuggled, and talk about whether or not we’re doing a good job (most days we think we’re doing OK). Recently we were talking about your exposure to television and video games. We don’t want to shelter you from the world and its issues, but we don’t want to desensitize you either. It’s tough to say “No, we won’t play this video game while Benjamin is awake, because it depicts violence too accurately,” but that’s exactly where we are at.
This world is dangerous and violent and broken, son, and you’ll have your whole life to learn that. I hope that we can teach you about the beauty of the world first, and it’s dark side later.
Eventually, Lucky will die, and you will learn grief. Eventually, you will ask where Mommy’s parents are, and you will see me cry. Eventually, you will ask why Jesus hangs on the cross, broken and beaten, and you will learn about sacrifice.
Our hope, though all of that, is to teach you about love. Love that shines through grief and brokenness, love that taught Mommy how to heal, love that makes Daddy get up even on the days when his depression beats his heart and soul, love that put Christ on the cross and love that triumphs all of the dark things in this world.
However, before you have to learn all of those things, I want you to know joy. I want to continue to see my baby boy, beautiful and full of grace and energy, running around squealing with laughter. I want to continue to love you so much it hurts. I want to see animals for the first time all over again, though your eyes. I want to continue to chase the dogs in the backyard until we collapse into fits of giggles. I want to dance with you in the living room until I’m sweaty and exhausted. I want these good and wonderful things for you so that when darkness seems to sneak in, you can remember the things from the light.
I hope you understand, one day, how hard it is trying to figure all this stuff out. I hope you have enough grace to forgive us when we mess up. I hope I have enough grace to forgive myself! But either way, we’ll muddle through this crazy adventure together. Being a Mommy is quite an amazing experience in general, but being Mommy to you – well – I think that’s my favorite job yet.
I love you son, happy 2nd birthday.
You were my first love outside of my family (and the cute boy that went to church in the town next to mine, but that’s a different story). I’ll never forget the first time I heard your music.
It was 1997 and life for this then-13-year-old girl was pretty good. I had a good family. Lots of siblings. But music…music was not really my “thing.” I would much rather be reading, sticking my nose into a book and escaping to worlds far away. Worlds where dwarves and hobbits lived among ents, and rings were things whispered about in secret.
My sisters were much more passionate about music. They had their Silverchair and Metallica albums that they listened to in secret. My parents allowed only certain types of music in the house…. anything modern and “rock” was strictly prohibited. It was the devil’s music, you see.
I wasn’t rebellious so I stuck with what was approved and allowed. I listened to some Willie Nelson, George Strait, Patsy Cline and Johnny Cash. I listened to Spirit and Bride, which was an amazing Christian band from the early 90’s on an old half-worn cassette tape. I listened to the Statler Brothers.
But see, Supertones, the day my life changed because of you was really a day like any other. We had our chores to do. We had a few fights (and only a little blood was drawn). We probably watched The Adams Family (which was the ONLY movie that 5 Threet children would ever agree on). There was no magical excitement in the air, it was a day like any other. I received your CD as a present – this was when CDs were still kind of a big deal, back when I was nervous about putting a CD in the stereo because heaven forbid I do it wrong and break the expensive machine.
I stared at the cover. Seven men in sunglasses stared back at me. You guys looked great! I had no idea what ska was, by the way. I figured, hey, how bad could these guys be? I used the remote to open the CD tray. Czzh-jjjggg. I wrestled with the cellophane on the CD case. My sisters tried to distract me. I gingerly placed the CD into the tray. Jake ran some GI Joe’s into my foot. I closed the CD tray. I pressed play. The CD player rotated my CD to the back of the stereo. It cycled around a few times to get it’s bearings on the shiny new CD.
I can’t describe the first 7 notes of your first song on that CD in words that are fitting. You know what they are anyways. I can tell you that there are drums and horns and that it’s a smashing way to start an album. You know that. But that doesn’t tell you how my musical world was shattered.
I told you, right, that I listened to country and hokey Christian music for the first 13 years of my life. I didn’t listen to rock, alternative, rap, or anything even remotely close to ska. Your 7 notes absolutely shattered the idea of what music was in my brain. It was this radical new way of looking at music.
I danced around to that CD all day long that day. And the day after that. And the day after that. Your music became a constant theme in my life; something I whistled while at the bus stop and sang in the shower.
Through your first CD I found Five Iron Frenzy and Insyderz and through them I found DC Talk and Jars of Clay and Third Day. But it started with you, Supertones. So I can’t give any other band credit for getting me through a rough spot without first going back to that first day in 1997 when 7 notes rocked my world. I can’t tell Robby Seay Band how much their “Song of Hope” means to me without a nod in your direction because you got me to this point. I can’t tell Jars of Clay how their song “Worlds Apart” is my all time favorite song EVER without a nod to the last song on Supertones Strike Back, “So Great a Salvation.”
You got me here, Supertones. Maybe not by yourself, but those 7 notes that introduce your second album definitely helped pave the way. So thank you. I know you don’t make music anymore – it was 13 years ago, I guess you’ve all moved on to bigger and brighter things. I guess I have too.
But you know what, Supertones? When I was pregnant with my son (who is now 5 months old and super cute) we didn’t bother playing Bach or Beethoven for him. I plugged my ipod into my car and scrolled down to OC Supertones, The. I rolled down to the album “Supertones Strike Back.”
I turned up the volume.
Day 7 – Someone who has made your life worth living for
I thought about this a long time because I know all the standard answers. God, Jesus, my children, my spouse, my best friend, but you know what? *I* made my life worth living for. Me. My existance in and of itself. I am worth living for. I am important enough and good enough and awesome enough to continue justifying my existance within myself.
And you know what? YOU are worth living for. Because you’re you. Because there is so much awesome inside you that you haven’t even tapped yet. Yes, live for God and for your children and your spouse and your best friend and your neighbor and the little old lady down the street who always waves at you even though half the time you see her you’re grumpy and trying to fix your hair before leaving your subdivision.
But live for yourself, too. Please. Recognize your worth. You are a beautiful, beautiful creation and you have so much to offer to people. You have hopes and dreams and things to laugh about and stories to tell. You have lessons you’ve learned and lessons you’re learning. You have been through tragedy, heartbreak and more than a few moments of grace. You’ve survived those and you can survive these. Because you’re awesome. Please take a minute and let yourself feel good about who you are. You’re not perfect. But you’re you.
And THAT, my friend, is worth living for.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
Stick with me on this, I promise the questions later on in the month are a bit happier. Since I don’t currently harbor any unforgiveness, I’ll talk about an experience in the past.
I had to forgive my birth father for leaving me. I know that sounds all emo, but as a child I really had terrible mixed-up feelings about the whole situation. One of my little regrets in life is that I never got up the courage to ask my Mom more about him before she died (I always thought I’d have more time with her).
I don’t know a whole lot about him. I know his name. I initially thought he lived in Ohio (where I was born) but now I’m not so sure, as evidence points to her maybe getting pregnant with me while she was in Florida. So any real leads I might have been able to develop are pretty much gone. All I really have is his name penciled in on my birth certificate, the knowledge that he left my mom when she was pregnant and her words, “he was an asshole. Don’t ask me about him, it will upset your dad.”
But I was so angry at him as a child. Especially when stuff was tough – when my dad yelled at me, when my step-sisters made me one of the least popular kids in middle school (honestly they didn’t have to work hard at that, I’m kind of a nerd), when I was lonely and searching for meaning. I didn’t understand how someone could leave me before even getting to know me. I wanted to know what parts of me were from him – I’m the spitting image of my mother and can’t pinpoint a single physical trait I could attribute to the other half of my genetics. I’m grateful for that, but it also made me that much more curious.
I harbored a lot of unforgiveness at him for a really long time. It seemed like the majority of men in my life left when stuff got difficult – whether emotionally, physically or mentally. He was the same. I didn’t like it, I didn’t understand it, and it made me angry at him.
So… how did I forgive him? Honestly, it was at a Christian girls camp. I know how hokey this is, trust me. But one of the themes of the camp was forgiveness and they encouraged us to write a letter to a family member that had hurt us. I wrote to him. I told him how angry I was that he left, how I was mad that I would probably never meet him and how much I thought he would regret his decision to leave if he knew me now. And as hokey as it is… over time… it helped. I wrote him that letter, and then another, and another. I told him all about my life, the school I was going to, the classes I was taking, the loves of my life, my family that I had that I loved.
Eventually the anger faded. So did my desire to meet him, though. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if I was contacted by him now I’d probably do anything in my power to meet him. But I doubt I’ll go searching for him anytime soon. My dad, even though the ending of his life was tragic, was an amazing father to me. He loved me as if I was one of his own and I never felt left out of his affection. He raised me from 2 years old to be strong, ethical and to work hard for the things in life that are important to me. I wish so much he hadn’t lost sight of his own lessons, but that’s a different topic for a different day. He was an amazing father and I did not really feel the absence of a father’s affection. I guess that made not knowing my birth father bearable until I could get through the anger.
Sometimes I do wonder about him. I had promised myself I wouldn’t look for him until my Dad was dead, because I couldn’t bear him to think I was trying to replace him. But now… now it just doesn’t seem like such a big deal. I guess time helps with that.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Last year I decided that from now on I will wear purple every day of October to honor my Mom, who was killed by my Dad in the most permanent kind of domestic violence.
It didn’t have to end that way.
But life is complicated and sometimes people don’t get the help they need. Sometimes it’s because they have their own demons they’re fighting, sometimes it’s because they don’t think they’re worth it, and sometimes it’s because they don’t realize how badly they need it.
People are broken.
It’s the way of life on earth. We live in a fallen, broken, sin-stained world.
But there is hope.
My faith has sustained me through many periods of grieving. God has been gracious and has helped me to love instead of hate. He has helped me to grieve for what I lost instead of get angry at what was stolen from me. I wouldn’t be the woman I am now without Him.
So in the month of October I will wear purple every day. I will wear it and think of my Mom, whose smile is fiercely missed. I will wear purple and I will think of the women and men who are in abusive relationships and for whatever reason see no escape. I will wear purple and I will pray for broken souls to find healing. I will wear purple and share my story. I will wear purple because some can’t.
I will wear purple so that the silent will have a voice.