I’m having a hard time relaxing at my new house these days because there is still a lot of stuff that needs to be done. Boxes of junk to go through and I just honestly want to throw it all away. But I have to sort it – junk, to be filed, to be donated… and honestly I just want to take the box, dump it in my trash can, and be done with it. I realize people could use it, that I can donate it to a better cause, but honestly I don’t know that it’s worth my sanity at this point to do a good thing. But at any rate, I can’t just throw it all away – nevermind all that, there’s so many random boxes of junk that there’s no way to tell where all the really important stuff is! So I have to find it all by sorting through every single box. And it’s driving me crazy!
It’s driving Justin crazy that it’s driving me crazy, because I am (unintentionally, of course) resenting the fact that he can relax while I’m constantly feeling like I need to be cleaning or organizing or decorating or…something. This is much worse than at my prior house, but at my prior house I had everything unpacked and organized within 3 days. This has only been a little over 2 weeks, but with a kid and a family and a full time job it’s been a bit harder to organize. My OCD is going CRAZY. I only have a tiny bit of OCD, just a bit, but the little bit I have right now is making me anxious and irritable and making Justin miserable. Which, in turn, makes me miserable. Because no one wants to be the source of their spouses misery.
I am eternally grateful that Justin and I can handle our fights like two people who love each other and patiently explain back and forth what’s going on. But honestly, I just need to chill the heck out.
I find myself at an impasse, of sorts. So much has changed in my life in the last two years (losing my parents, having a child, getting out of debt, buying a house, living with so many relatives, etc) that I find myself in desperate need of some time to re-evaluate myself. I need some time to meditate on who I am, who I want to be, why I act the way I do and ways I can better myself. These things will make me a better Christian, spouse, parent, friend and worker. But I can’t adequately do that until I get everything finished at my house. And I can’t do that with so many interruptions.
I’m trying to relax. And I’m taking breaks here and there, just not like I need to be. I’m going to try to limit myself to 1 hour of cleaning after I put Benjamin to bed tonight – we’ll see how that goes. I honestly don’t think I realized how bad it was until yesterday. So I’m trying to fix it. Wish me luck.