I know I’m supposed to talk about what I’m thankful for today. And I am thankful for everything in my life every other day, so if you’ll pardon me I need to grieve a bit.
It’s been 1 year and 8 months since I lost my parents. For a while I figured I had grieved and moved on to a more healed point, and I still think I have. But I also knew I couldn’t expect to get over the loss of my parents easily, especially since there were such violent circumstances. So every once in a while it hits me again.
And today I feel very robbed. Robbed of so many good years I could have had – should have had – with them. Years of laughter and silliness. Years of wisdom passed down. Years with them at my Thanksgiving table, and me at theirs.
I miss them so much right now. Much more than last year, I think. I know popular opinion would be that I miss them more than last year because I have a son now, but I don’t think that’s it. Not quite. I do grieve that they are missing out on how cute Benjamin is, but when I think about them I mostly think about missing them for my sake, not his.
I think I miss them so much because time has passed and I’m ready to grieve more. I think last year I really needed to focus on being happy and having a good holiday. This year I’ve had a good year and some good times and maybe now it’s time to revisit some of that un-dealt-with grief. Which kind of stinks, because who wants to grieve? But it’s necessary and so I do. I kind of realized what was happening when I was reading Benjamin a bedtime story in a book called “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” that’s really cute. It is a story about this mouse talking to the stars and it gets to this point where the mouse wishes he could see the world the way the stars do… and I don’t know, I just sort of lost it. I put him to bed and cried and went to give my husband a hug for comfort. I haven’t done that a lot since my parents died, and I realized then how important it is to take the time.
So this holiday season, I’m giving myself a pass at being ok. I’m mostly fine, but every once in a while I’m struck with sadness.
I guess I can say a bit about what I’m thankful for after all. I’m thankful that I had them for as long as I did. I’m thankful that I have family here that understands my need to grieve in the midst of happiness. But I don’t feel very happy in my thankfulness. Not today, anyways. And that’s ok.