Things I’m thinking about right now:

-Baby poop.

-Whether or not Justin finished the border in the nursery or not .

-I have to give birth. Soon. Without drugs. (edited to add: I know I don’t have to give birth drug free, but that’s the birth I want. If the birth I WANT and the birth I NEED are different, then I am *OK* with that, but the goal is drug free!) It’s going to be scary! I keep trying to remind myself: I can do this. I am capable of doing this. It is best for me and my baby to do this. But I’m still absolutely terrified if I *actually* stop and think about it.

-Breastfeeding. All the books talk about getting my nipple aimed/lined up with the babies mouth, but I don’t have depth perception. And I’m really bad at depth awareness for things very close to me – say within 12 inches or so. I’m kind of scared I’m gonna try to poke the kid in the eye with a nipple before I get it figured out right. I’m joking, except for the part where I’m not. I’m glad I’ll have my husband and midwifes there to help me line everything up until me and Benjamin get the hang of it.

-Back to the birth thing – can I pick when I go into labor? And can I go into labor once, with none of this false labor crap? Because I’d like to be able to go into labor at about 2am, so I can call into work if I’m scheduled to work the next day and not have to worry about going back to work after that. I’d like to be able to focus on labor. That would be great!

-I’m really, really, really missing my mom these days. I ran across a picture of her holding one of my infant nephews the other day and I absolutely lost it. It’s so hard when people ask me if my mom lives close enough to come help me out with the baby. I know I shouldn’t be parentless and the loss is felt very keenly – by both my husband and me these days. Yes, this is a time of joy… but also of a quiet and perhaps deeper mourning than I have experienced in some time.

-Finances. My brother-in-law is out of work and he pays ¼ of our bills. We can cover him if we need to, but if we have to continue this into June and July then Justin won’t be able to take time off work like he needs to. How do you politely beg someone to find work for the good of your family unit?

-Birthday Bash at the Bahn! Our Schlitterbahn tradition of a few days at the water park COULD be interrupted by me having a 2 month old, but the more I think about it the better of an idea I think it is. I’ll have enough family around so that I can take a break to go sit in the sun, swim in a pool or ride a few slides, and Benjamin will be old enough to survive a hotel stay with minimal emotional scarring (I hope). It will be expensive, but we’re going to start setting aside money for it as soon as we can. Assuming the aforementioned bullet point eventually takes care of itself.

-Pictures! I have to take pregnancy pictures even though I feel like a fat cow. Because this might be the only baby I ever have, and I need to document it. But I feel huge and ugly and unattractive and I’m not sure how excited I am about the experience. Luckily I have a good photographer. But still.

-Work. We lost a dispatcher to the Police Academy last week. I’m absolutely thrilled for him, but will miss him terribly. Then I just found out this week that we’re losing another dispatcher. This means that my wonderful plans of a modified schedule when I come back from maternity leave are out the window until we’re fully staffed. I’m sad, and hopeful that we get new dispatchers that are as awesome as the ones we’re losing.

I think that’s pretty much it. Thanks for letting me core dump.

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