I’m pregnant!

Most of my readers already know that (do you follow me on twitter? No? You should!) but this is the first time I’m writing about it online in more than 140 characters.

I’m. So. Excited! And terrified, which I hear is pretty common.

I spent the first few weeks absolutely convinced that God wasn’t going to let me have a baby.  I know that’s not right of me, and I’ve had to talk to God pretty honestly and brutally about that.  How can he blame me for being afraid? I’ve lost so much this year that is dear to me, wouldn’t it just be icing on the cake to take this from me too?  But I’m sure he doesn’t blame me.  I’m sure he’s up there shaking his head, wondering when I’m going to get it.

Probably never… but I’m going to keep trying.

So I apologized to God and tried to stay hopeful.  It helped immensely to have the first ultrasound.  I didn’t cry, it wasn’t life changing… I almost think I cheated myself out of the “OHMYGOSHITSABABY!” experience because I was so convinced that it wasn’t real – my response was more just an acceptance that it actually was real.

Justin and I weren’t going out of our way to have kids.  We knew that it would happen in God’s timing.  I wonder sometimes about God’s timing!  They tell me I’m not supposed to make any major life changes the year after losing someone you love, and I’ve lost 3.  It’s only been 9 months.  Am I ready?  Who knows.  Probably not!  No one is ever ready for parenting, right? That’s what they say, anyways.

We’re excited.  Justin is being adorable and patient and putting up with a lot, especially since pretty much all my favorite foods now taste absolutely gross to me.  I miss steak so much!  I haven’t been throwing up, but I have had every other pregnancy symptom you can imagine.  I’ve slept through the night about 5 times since I found out.  Who knew you’d have to pee so much when the baby is the size of a bean?

Oh, yes! I’m 12 weeks today.  So it’s actually the size of a plum.  Or a peach.

I’ll try to post more as the weeks roll by, but I’ll keep it brief for now.  Yay, baby!