I’m back in Austin for the weekend so that I can spend time with my husband (who doesn’t have the ability to take time off from work like I can) and get out of Magnolia for a few days.  I’ll be back to business first thing Monday morning.

It’s hard.

I went to breakfast with Justin at Cracker Barrel.  One of our favorite breakfast spots and we don’t get to go often, I figured it would be nice to spend some time with him.  It was, but it was also so weird being around people whose lives were not affected by my parents death.  I started crying a bit, but it was just shock at how the world keeps turning even when yours is stuck someplace – frozen in grief, I guess.

But I also got to visit with some friends and my cousin, we went and got our hair done, and that was great.  I mean, we talked a lot about them and the family, but it was nice to be out with them and not sitting at home.  And I had dinner with another friend who talked to me, some of her family had been through a similar situation and she was able to assure me that all I’m feeling is normal.

Driving alone is hard.  Being home alone is hard.

The grief process is a tough one.  I’m pretty self-aware, and it almost makes it worse because I know what’s coming.  On the one hand I feel like my world has changed forever – and it has.  And then on the other hand I feel like I should just return to the normal world and blend into the crowds.

We may end up needing a lawyer to get access to their accounts, life insurance money and retirement.  We might have to appoint an administrator of the estate, but I’m hoping we will be able to do it without a lawyer.  They are expensive, and we won’t have any money until we get the insurance money.  And that will pay for the funeral and expenses out here for my siblings.

It’s just too much to look at all at once.  I’m trying to do it one step at a time.  God is giving me some of his strength, which I desperately need in this hour.  I’m probably going to go to counseling, or at least a support group.  This is just too big for me, ya know?

Anyways.  If you’re not sick of praying for me, then please continue, I am definitely feeling them!! Especially when I go into their house.  It’s very oppresive and horribe feeling in the house.  Glad I don’t have to do it alone.  Looking forward to my best friend being here Monday.

I think that’s it for now.