So this morning, the day we leave for vacation (yay!) Justin and I are laying in bed.  The alarm has gone off, we’re both waking up, and we’re just talking about the day ahead of us.  I’m subconsciously rubbing my stomach, which I do a lot now that there is a little life named Benjamin in there.

“Geeze,” I remark. “Seems like he’s going through a growth spurt now, I swear he’s gotten bigger overnight!”

“Well,” Justin starts in, “he’s kind of like bread, if you think about it.”

“So this is his oven spring?”

“Exactly!”

“But he’s been in there for a while now, ‘baking,’ as they would say.”

“Yeah but before he wasn’t so much baking as marinating, as being turned from the basic components into something tangible.”

“So early pregnancy is where all the gluten is formed and stuff?”

“You got it!”

I realize this won’t mean much to plenty of you, but I love that my husband can talk my bread language sometimes.  I love that Benjamin is in the oven spring process (which is the start of actual baking, for you non-bread-bakers).  Wooo-hoo!  Just over halfway there!

This has been a good week, and today is the first day of my 2 week vacation. Happy!

Staying off of Twitter and Facebook and email on my phone has been… interesting.  Odd, definitely.  I find that so much happens that I want to tell the world, but in the grand scheme of things is essentially meaningless.  Some of it would have been great to share, though.  Like how I had a great appointment with my midwife on Tuesday, how Benjamin (formerly known as Porkchop) is growing big and and still has a strong heartbeat!  It’s so exciting to be pregnant with our child, but it’s also so WEIRD.  No one really told me how weird it would be.

I’ve been enjoying reading all the great books my cousin loaned me on birth and labor and breastfeeding.  It’s so much information to absorb, but so much of it is good to be aware of.  I like feeling that I’ll be educated about birth even though I won’t know how my exact birth will go, at least I’ll be aware of the basics of what will happen.  I think that will help ease a lot of anxiety.

Anyways.  Vacation stuff! Yay! We’re hopefully going to Oklahoma and Tennessee.  Oklahoma to visit my brother Alan, his wife Mandy and their son Ethan.  We’ll spend a day or two there, then head to Tennessee to see Justin’s family!  His grandparents are celebrating 50 years of marriage! 50 years! That’s incredible.  I can’t imagine spending 50 years (willingly or otherwise) with someone, but they’ve done it with class.  It will be great to visit with all of his family (especially his Mom and Dad, who I adore!) and it will be awesome to be there to celebrate with his grandparents.  I’m really looking forward to it!

I’m really hoping Justin and I will get to spend some time by ourselves on a little mini retreat.  I’d like to go to the mountains, but with the weather I don’t know if we’ll be able to.  We’ll pretty much be playing things by ear, and I’ll hopefully be taking lots of great pictures along the way.

Yesterday our pastor sent out an email asking the church to join him in fasting for the next month. Justin and I decided that fasting was probably a good idea, focused primarily on the needs of the church but also as a time for us to re-focus on our faith.

Too often we are over-stimulated by the world and the technology around us. For my fast I decided to stop using my phone for any communication other than phone calls. That means no twitter, no answering facebook from my phone, no text messaging, no email. That’s a HUGE sacrifice for me, I have been fully integrated into technology like that for years. But it’s probably time to take a month off anyways, and what better reason than to instead focus that time on prayer and reflection and study?

We’ll be praying for the needs of the church: finances, a new space to have church, more leadership, more of God’s presence, more outreach and deeper relationships among the members. Beyond that I’m also praying for a renewal of faith. I’m praying that people will be encouraged and grow in their faith as the month goes by. I’m praying that they will eagerly seek awareness of the foundational truths that can make our faith stronger. Today more than ever before I believe in the importance of that.

I’m not saying that I’m never going to use twitter or facebook or email this month, just that I’m going to do it when I sit in front of a computer at home during my off time, not when I’m doing it on my phone and doing 6 other things. And that means that if you want to talk to me, your best bet is just to give me a call.

I’m excited about taking time to reflect. I’m excited about what this means for the church and I’m excited about what this means for me in my personal spiritual walk.

Michael Spencer (aka the Internet Monk) has been working on a book that’s finally (!!) up for pre-order. Michael has been an amazing resource to me spiritually (as well as mentally) over the last several years, and I’ve been eagerly anticipating his book.

My heart goes out to Michael as he struggles through his recent cancer diagnosis and is currently on hiatus from his website (although the people he has running his site in the interim, including Chaplain Mike, have done a great job in his stead). I want to encourage all Christian readers and friends to get his book. Michael has a very real, very honest approach to loving Jesus in today’s culture and I can’t recommend him enough. It’s only a few dollars and not only will you be helping support him as he loses his insurance and faces expensive hospital bills, but you’ll also gain what I believe will be an excellent book.

You can pre-order on Amazon here: http://bit.ly/dts0gV
You can pre-order with the publisher here: http://bit.ly/bydFgz
You can visit Internet Monk’s website here: http://www.internetmonk.com/

Thanks guys!


It’s a boy!

I don’t know where to start this post, because every time I start to think about it I get all giddy and grateful and probably over-emotional.

Yesterday, you see, I met my bread hero.

I guess I’ll start in the beginning. I found Heidi over at 101Cookbooks several years ago, and love her blog. By far the most used recipe of hers was an adaptation of Peter Reinhart’s Napoletana Pizza Dough. She turned it whole wheat, but kept a lot of the spirit of his bread baking techniques intact. I was intrigued by his overnight fermentation, knowing a little bit of bread baking from watching my Dad as a child. I’d only seen him make bread a few times, but I remember more than anything the smell of hot, fresh baked bread. It was magical.

Anyways. I read her pizza dough recipe back in September of 2006. For over 2 years I made that recipe faithfully as the only pizza dough worth making. I saw how the overnight ferment made a difference, and how by the third day the dough itself had taken on a new depth of flavor.

About a month after I lost my parents, I bought the Bread Baker’s Apprentice. I knew I needed something to do with my hands. I started reading and highlighting and feeling amazed at how much there was to learn. I was absolutely fascinated by how much the author loved to bake bread. It was obvious that he was passionate about it.

I joined the Bread Baker’s Apprentice Challenge a few weeks later and since then have had some of the best moments in my kitchen. I’ve baked bread that didn’t turn out as good as I’d hoped, bread that amazed me with it’s depth of flavor, and bread that turned my kitchen into a small slice of heaven.

I eventually found Peter Reinhart’s blog and through it learned he was going to be coming to Texas to teach a class with Central Markets. Of course I would go. I didn’t care how far away it was, but luckily there was a class here, in Austin!

The class was yesterday. And it was amazing.

I got there early, partially because I’m obsessive about being late, but mostly because I wanted a good seat. I brought my book and my camera. Is it silly to ask a chef for his autograph? I didn’t know, but I knew I wanted documentation, proof of this moment. I’ve never, ever been the type of person to get all silly over famous people, but this man didn’t just write a good cookbook, he completely revolutionized the way I look at bread.

I was one of the first people in the class and the first person to get his autograph. He’s really not a celebrity, just a guy who loves bread. We talked, I told him I was part of the BBA Challenge (which he’s aware of) and told him how much I enjoyed his breads. He signed my book. I sat down for class and silently squealed to myself.

The class itself was really informative and amazingly great. He focused on sweeter breads, using the same basic dough he made multiple things. It was my first time tasting sticky buns, which I will now have to make. His coffee cake was out of this WORLD. Seriously, I don’t even like coffee cake and I wanted more! He included recipes for all the stuff he made, and I can’t wait to try some of them! Especially the coffee cake, that’s one of Justin’s favorite things.

One of the most significant things for me though, was the basic rustic dough he used. He got the basic ingredients together and instead of kneading them, or letting them rest for a few minutes before kneading, he didn’t knead it at ALL!

I was shocked! No kneading?! But he did the stretch/fold method on the dough one time, then placed a big bowl over it and let it rest for a few minutes. About 5 minutes later he came back to it, stretched and folder again, and put it back under the bowl. Repeated that about 5 times. At the end of the class the basic, rustic dough that had ingredients barely mixed together and not kneaded at all had been transformed into this beautiful dough that was soft and supple and tacky and not sticky and just… beautiful. He said he’d found that for simple doughs like that it tended to work better than kneading because it helped keep the gluten from becoming overworked and over bonded. I could certainly see how it worked out – he started with a very wet dough and by the simple process of stretch and fold vs. kneading the water incorporated itself nicely without the need for added flour. That bread, had it been baked with us there, would have produced amazing holes and I’m sure great flavor. I can’t wait to try that technique at home!

A lot of the things in the class that he talked about were things that I learned from reading/re-reading and highlighting the first hundred or so pages of the Bread Baker’s Apprentice. But hearing his logic behind it, hearing his thoughts, was an amazing experience.

Oh! The other thing he said was that he’d found in the course of creating sweet breads that the flavor developed more if you added the yeast to warm water before adding it to the flour. Most other dough he said it didn’t matter, but that in the case of sweet breads, it did make a negligible difference. He said it was little things like realizing that information that helped to create better loaves of bread. And each little thing adds on top of the other things in the quest for the perfect loaf of bread.

One of the most important things to me that he talked about was the transformation process of dough. He talked about how bread is basically flour that has been transformed into dough that has been transformed into bread. He said that bread was used across religions throughout the world. I can’t name many, but off the top of my head Challah bread and the Holy Eucharist are two great examples from the Jewish and Christian faiths. Those breads are integrated into both of those religions, essential to the symbolism that expresses their faith. Bread is pretty amazing stuff. He only briefly talked about it, because it probably isn’t the most practical way to talk about bread, but I can totally relate in my own life. I can see my own transformation as I became more familiar baking bread, I can see the healing that occurred as I kneaded and rested.

After class I went up and got my picture taken with him.

I wanted to tell him so many things. I wanted to tell him how his book got me through the toughest period of my life. I wanted to tell him that it had changed the way I look at and eat bread. I wanted to tell him that I got the whole transforming power of bread because I lived it and am still living it. I wanted to tell him that my family appreciates the work he’s done because of the impact it had on me. I wanted to tell him how much Justin loves his Casatiello (meat bread!). But I didn’t. Words would have been inadequate. I shook his hand and thanked him for the great class and went home, skipping as I went.

Me and Peter!

Lucky in the car

I’m crying right now. For lots of reasons, but mostly because I finally found a charity that resonates so strongly within my heart and soul, a group of people that I genuinely want to help if for no other reason than because I think, in some way, that I can help a hurting soul.

The group if TWLOHA. That stands for To Write Love on Her Arms, it’s a non-profit that is currently partnered with PostSecret to try to start the first online suicide support group, the IMAlive Network.

If you’ve talked to me at all recently, or read my Year 2009 in review, you’d have heard me say this:

I learned that people are broken.  I don’t think there is a single person on the earth that doesn’t occasionally look at the ceiling before they go to bed and feel completely lost, broken, or hurting.  It’s a result of the fall and none of us are exempt.  Life is tough, but it’s what you do in that toughness and in that adversity and pain that defines who you are.  Running from your problems, refusing to deal with your emotions and your pain, only compound the problem.  Dealing with emotional issues is critical.  Sometimes people don’t, or can’t, and they break.

And if you go to TWLOHA’s website, under their vision:

You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart – he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments.  You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

I’m crying right now because I know I need to help them, and other than praying, I don’t know how.  I’ve never been suicidal, so how can I relate to suicidal people? I’ve never done drugs, so how can I relate to drug addicts?

I can tell you about loss. I can tell you about watching your brother, strung out, cry for help.  I can tell you about watching your sister cut herself because it bleeds the pain away.  I can tell you about hearing how you’ve lost someone you loved because they needed a fix.  I can tell you about rushing my sister to the hospital with hundreds of self-ingested pills coursing through her system trying to kill her.  I can tell you about losing your grandfather to suicide, the way your mother’s body slumps to the floor in grief.  I can tell you about losing your parents to murder and to suicide, I can tell you about being that person who slumps to the floor in grief.  How you literally feel your heart ripping, and I can tell you about how ever-so-slowly it mends.  I can tell you about lying awake at night wanting to help someone and not knowing how.

I’m crying right now because I miss my parents and I miss my brother.  I’m crying right now because my heart breaks so hard every time I think about it and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has given me strength for this season and I feel like I abuse his gifts.  I feel like I need to be there holding someone and I don’t know how to get to that point.  I don’t know how to use this.  I wouldn’t know what to say.

And, besides that, I don’t know that my calling lies in talking to someone on the phone or online about their depression, addiction, or suicidal tendencies.  I talk on the phone every day to people with real emergencies at work, and I don’t know if I could handle doing it 40 hours a week and then on volunteer basis.  But I can talk to people about my experiences.  Is there a need for that?  Because trust me, dear internet, you can see that I have no problem being open and honest with the pain and loss.  And if my story can help people, it’s worth sharing.

So this is my pain right now.  This is my grief.  That I want to help, so badly.  And since I don’t know what to do or where to start, I start here.  I tell you.  And I ask you to support TWLOHA on my behalf, on the behalf of Daryl Threet who I lost to drug addiction… to Fredrick Threet who I lost to suicide… to Leonard Charles Sechrist who I lost to suicide.  For my step-sister’s cousin Joey who they lost to suicide.  For the parents and sisters and brothers and loved ones that have been lost to the brokenness of the world.

These people are reaching out to the broken.  I’d like to help them succeed.

For as much as she stumbled she’s runnin’
For as much as she runs she’s still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
(via Eli Young Band)

Every day, Monday through Friday, I get an email from this amazingly great website called GriefShare. Each email guides you through the grief process a little bit more. I highly recommend it for someone who has lost a loved one, because it’s a nice moment to reflect every day in a not-always-painful way.

Today I was reading day 246. “Responses that cause people to be stuck in grief.” The advice it gave was that if you felt like you weren’t acting like the loss was affecting you, make it a point today to tell someone just how much the grief is affecting you deep down.

Well, I don’t know if I’m acting like it’s affecting me or not. But I thought I’d share my experiences over the past little bit.

I didn’t know how I would handle Christmas, but I did reasonably good. My husband was half convinced I’d be a bumbling mess, but I didn’t even cry at all on Christmas. But for me, the grief came not during, but before and after. Making cookies with Mom was a tradition I cried through this year. Holding my grandmother’s spritz cookie recipe filled me with a sense of sacredness, as if I was connected to her and my mom through the dough. I know how stupid that sounds, but it was a way for me to remember them through a labor of love. I don’t think I even ate but 5 or 6 cookies, I gave them all away happily.

I cried putting away Christmas ornaments. Mostly because I suddenly realized all the new ornaments I had… ornaments that had been on Mom and Dad’s tree for years. I had iTunes on random playing my entire collection, and I was doing OK until they started playing a beautiful lament that was played when the fellowship lost Gandalf. I sat on the floor and cried, the dog trying to cheer me up by bringing me his tennis ball.

Every week I get an email about my baby’s progress, and every week I get an email about how to share this experience with the soon-to-be-grandparents. Every week I want to shout at the screen. I’m so incredibly thankful for Justin’s parents and the relationship we have with them, but it’s still not my parents.

When I think about my child, I think about the things I won’t have to worry about now that my parents are gone. When I think about these things I mostly feel guilty. I won’t have to convince my parents not to smoke indoors when my child visits. I won’t have to fight them about drinking with the kids around. I won’t have to beg them to come to church with us. I won’t have to explain to the kids why Nanny and Papa live so miserably, and I won’t have to worry about caring for them when they become old.

This is me being completely honest here. I crave my mother’s touch, my father’s laugh, and it has not escaped me that in trade for those things I now have to explain to a child why Mommy’s parents aren’t around. Why Mommy looks sad for just a moment at new milestones, even though she’s happy. I have to explain to a child the sting of death in ways that children should not have to hear until they are much older than they will be when they start to ask me questions. How do you explain suicide, murder, alcoholism and mental illness to a child? These are questions I am plagued with now, because lying or hiding the problem is not an option. Too often I have seen that done and I refuse to do my children that disservice.

This is getting off topic. I miss my parents, I miss their voices and their smells and the laugher I felt so often with them. I function normally, I do not cry very often, but they are never very far from my thoughts. And I’m ok with that.