Year in review – 2009 – Part 7

In Conclusion:

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
I learned that people are broken.  I don’t think there is a single person on the earth that doesn’t occasionally look at the ceiling before they go to bed and feel completely lost, broken, or hurting.  It’s a result of the fall and none of us are exempt.  Life is tough, but it’s what you do in that toughness and in that adversity and pain that defines who you are.  Running from your problems, refusing to deal with your emotions and your pain, only compound the problem.  Dealing with emotional issues is critical.  Sometimes people don’t, or can’t, and they break.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Thanks for joining me.  You can recap on post 1, 2, or 3.

Year in review – 2009 – Part 5&6

Self-reflection:

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving.  No, really.

What was your biggest failure?
I’m giving myself a pass this year.  But, luckily, I didn’t do too many bad things.  I think.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Goodness yes.  Justin and I were SICK this year like we have never been sick before.  We spent a good part of January sick, Justin had pneumonia and I had some lesser form of whatever he had, I had sinus infections in February, March and May, developed a cough in September that wouldn’t go away, my entire house got Swine flu in October, and Justin has had a headache since September.  Did I mention that 2009 was the WORST YEAR EVER?

Where did most of your money go?
Well, this was an odd year for money because my parents died and we got a bit of money – not much, mind you, but enough to pay off our debt.  So most of our money did that, we were blessed by being able to tithe a lot this year, and we did get a few gadgets and goodies around the house.

What kept you sane?
Knowing that this too shall pass.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Honestly, I don’t care what the heck they do anymore.  I have so many other things in my life that take priority.

Who did you miss?
My mom and dad.  With a fierceness that will not pass for some time, I think.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
2010.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? Sadder.  Hopeful about the future, but sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? Err, before I was pregnant I was thinner!  I’ve been working out and while I’m still fat, I’m definitely in better shape than I was last year.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer! Debt free and money in a savings account.  It was my parents last gift to me, I think.

Did you fall in love in 2009?
Over and over and over again.  I seriously can not put into words how amazingly blessed I am in my husband.  I won’t even try, because everything falls short.  God has blessed my life by his presence.

Did you lose anything important this year?
A future that included my parents.

What was your proudest moment of 2009?
Getting up to give the eulogy for my parents.  It was so hard, but I am so glad I did it.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?
Losing it in the Verizon Wireless store.  It was right after mom and dad died, closing their accounts was one of the first things I did for the estate.  I started hysterically crying about halfway through the visit, sobbed on my way out the door.  In hindsight it was pretty funny – I’m pretty sure I traumatized the poor clerk.

Gauge your:
(On a scale of: Very Good, Good, Fairly Good, Fairly Bad, Bad, Very Bad)

• Relational Health – Very Good
• Emotional Health – Fairly Good
• Physical Health – Fairly Good
• Social Health – Fairly Good
• Spiritual Health – Fairly Good
• Intellectual Health – Good
• Financial Health – Very Good

In the future:

How will you be spending Christmas?
Well, this is the past because I’m lazy, but I spent it with my family in Houston.  It was a good time, and it was nice to relax and have fun and play rock band with my younger cousins.

How will you be spending New Years?
Sleeping.  Praying for 2010.

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Peace, and I would like to be witness to more life, and less death.

What are your plans for 2010?
Keep saving money, have a baby, visit California with said baby, hopefully get on a work schedule that lets us not use childcare, get back on track with eating healthy, help people around me, draw closer to God.

Will you make any new years resolutions for 2010?
No.  Making it through 2010 will be enough for me!

Year in review – 2009 – Part 3&4

Others:

Whose behavior merited celebration?
So many people.  Ruby and all of my mom’s coworkers have consistently gone above and beyond helping us.  A day or two after my parents died we went to visit them (Jake and I in particular were always on friendly terms with Mom’s coworkers) and they LOADED the back of a pickup truck with food, cutlery, paper plates… everything you’d think to need for the huge amount of family that suddenly descended on us here in TX.  They took up a collection and if they couldn’t cook, they gave cash.  My boss, pastor and his wife and couple from the church all came down from Austin for the funeral.  My old coworkers and my old boss came from HCSO, and they took a collection up – money that helped get my sisters back to California, money that helped my Aunt pay her bills after housing a ton of extra people in her house.  The generosity and love that the people in my life and the life of my family just absolutely blew me away.  I’m tearing up just remembering it.  I was so thankful that they were there to remind me of the good in life, during such a horrible time.

Whose behavior made you appalled, depressed, or sad?
My step-sisters have, obviously, an entire side of the family that I don’t really know that well (I’ve met some of them a few times, but that’s it).  When we found out about my parents death I called my sisters and told them I needed them here.  My parents were always very insistent that “step” or “half” siblings didn’t mean anything to us – we were a family, period.

When my sister Jennifer came out to visit, the first night she was here she pulled me aside.  We’d spent several hours together already, it was very late – probably 3AM – and she pulled me outside to talk.  She looked like she was about to cry – started to – and said she just wanted to let me know how much she appreciated being welcomed to Texas.  I was confused.  I asked her why wouldn’t I have been glad she was there?  And through her tears she explained to me that her Aunt Lisa had asked them why they would bother coming to Texas, surely we wouldn’t want anything to do with them since their dad had killed our mom.  She said she’d worried the entire plane trip out here that we would be angry with them because of what Dad did.

I was just completely flabbergasted.  That word doesn’t even do it justice.  I was blown away.  I burst into tears and hugged her and told her that it wasn’t her dad and my mom, it was our dad and our mom and it sucked but no matter what the circumstances she was still my sister.  It was a really touching moment but I was absolutely appalled at the behavior of her Aunt.  I couldn’t believe that she would plant those horrible thoughts in Jennifer’s mind.

Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?
I think everyone felt too badly about all the crap I’ve been through this year to be mean to me.

Who were some new people you met?
Leslie!!! She is an absolute blessing to my life.  I hired her in Aprilish of this year as my personal trainer, and honestly she’s just been an absolute joy to hang out with.  Even if I don’t keep paying her to work out, she’s hopefully going to be a part of my life for many happy years.

Favorites/Least Favorites:

What was your favorite month of 2009?
August and September are tied for the least-sucky, I’d say.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
Again, as usual, several:

• Relaxing on the back patio of the Schlitterbahn resort house we rented.
• Seeing Amy when I walked out of my room on my birthday.
• Seeing the 2 blue lines on the pregnancy test.
• Hearing the heartbeat, seeing the ultrasound.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?

• Getting the call about Daryl.
• Seeing Daryl, laying in the hospital after everything that had happened.
• Getting the phone call from my Uncle Rick telling me to “get here as soon as you can Nettie, something is not right”
• Walking into the house, frantic, shaking, and hearing Jake’s sobs from the hallway.
• The moment he said they’re both gone.
• Seeing them in the funeral home.
• That moment on Thanksgiving where I realized that I wasn’t getting any more holidays with my parents, probably not many more with my brothers or sisters (just because of distance if nothing else), and I just wept at what I’ve lost.

What was your favorite TV program?
House and Heroes (still).

What was the best book you read?

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller is definitely the best new read, but I also FINALLY found these 2 books that I had read years ago (when they were first published, I’d guess, which puts them at around 1999ish).  I had vaguely remembered this sci-fi book about a woman who survives on an alien planet and becomes like the creatures, only to return to earth and have to try and get back into society, I remembered LOVING it but could NOT remember anything about the titles or character names.  I had tried tracking them down several times before, but back in September I decided that the powers of the internet HAD to be stronger than they were in the past, and I searched Amazon for all sci-fi books involving “alien” that were published beween 1997 and 2004.  It took me a week, but I found them and they were as good as I remembered.  They were The Color of Distance and Through Alien Eyes by Amy Thompson, for those curious.

What were your favorite films of this year?
Zombieland and Star Trek were amazingly wonderful.

What was your favorite video game you played this year?
Dragon Age: Origins has an AMAZING storyline!  Highly recommended!!

What was your favorite new technology/application?
I finally got an IPod, that’s been fun to mess with.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
It was a rediscovery, The Lord of the Rings soundtracks, I forgot how amazingly moving they are.

What was the best thing you bought?
My SLR camera and my IPod.

Year in review – 2009 – Part 1&2

Every year I look back at the years events and try to recap, glean wisdom, and remember the good and bad.  This year I had mounds of bad and very little good.  The good was very good, and the bad was almost unbearably bad.  But we’re almost there. 2010.  So much to look forward to next year.  So many people I know are hurting from this year, and not just because of the economy.  It’s been rough. Sickness and stress and family problems and death.  And the economy.  It’s almost been too much.  But God is good; and that is my eternal hope.  Anyways.  Last years YiR can be found here.

Initial Summary:

Where were you when 2009 began?
At Tim and Teresa’s house, we had a party where we did lots of ridiculous things and drank too much alcohol.  Cory made me cry (by giving me the grossest wet willie EVER), which in turn made Mandy cry and it was pretty crazy funny.  Teresa also made the BEST spinach artichoke dip I’ve had to date.  Literally.

Who were you with?
Justin, Tim, Teresa, Mandy, Cory and Jake.

Was 2009 a good year for you?
No.  To me, a good year would have the good outweigh the bad, and that failed to happen in many big ways.  That is not to say there were not good things about this year: there were.  And I will try to focus on them as I reflect…  but I’ll tell you right now that I will fail.  The bad was just too big, this year.

What countries/states did you visit?
California (which sometimes seems like a country of its own) and New York City.  It was both Justin and my first time in NYC and it was definitely a memorable, amazing experience.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions?
I did a much better job than I ever have before with controlling my eating/exercising, but I still have a long way to go.  Isn’t that always true?  My exercising has improved dramatically, but mostly I can’t take credit for that.  After I lost my parents I felt myself falling into a funk, I knew if I didn’t do something I would lay around and be miserable and gain weight.  I hired a trainer, and I pay her to show up at my house and force me to work out.  In the end though, even if I wasn’t working out, it would have been worth it because I’ve made a totally amazing new friend who I expect to have in my life for many, many years to come!

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Emilie, my sister-in-law, gave birth to Keegan! He’s just about the cutest little baby ever and Jake is turning out to be quite an interesting (and adorable) daddy.  There were also several coworkers and friends, but Em’s birth was probably the closest to me.

Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.  I lost my brother Daryl Threet on February 9^th, 2009 and both of my parents, Rick and Suzette Threet, on March 4^th, 2009.

Daryl’s death was tragic, but I was not nearly as close to him as I am to my other siblings.  I loved him, but his life was always so different than mine.  He never really grew up, and instead lived a life of drug addiction and dependency.  He spent a lot of time in prison.  Everyone has one of those relatives, so I know our story isn’t unique.  I often prayed one day Daryl would finally straighten up, but beyond that he had come to a point that we just couldn’t reach him.  The day he died he’d only been out of jail for a day or two, had went for a heroin fix, and something happened while he was gone from home… he was found unconscious by some rail road tracks in Stockton.  His brain stem was severed.  Foul play was suspected, but who can know for sure?  Stockton police have bigger problems than a dead junkie.  He left behind a beautiful little girl.

My parents death… I don’t know if I’m at a point yet that I can really adequately look “back” on their death.  It’s been nine months but I still feel the loss painfully near sometimes, especially during this holiday season as I carry my first child.  Losing a parent is never easy, losing them both at the same time to murder/suicide is completely ridiculous.  I wish sometimes that I had better words to explain how I feel about it all, but I am just not there yet.  Honestly, I may never be.

What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 4^th, 2009 for obvious reasons.  October 3^rd, 2009 is when I found out I was pregnant.

Experiences:

What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Let’s see.  In January I spent more money on a singular car repair than I ever have before (somewhere in the neighborhood of 1200 dollars).  I took my husband to urgent care with a terrible case of pneumonia.  He ended up allergic to the medicine they gave him, which took us back to urgent care 2 days after that – which, by that time, I had started to exhibit similar symptoms.  We were both laid up for about a week.  In February my entire immediate family (minus spouses) gathered together in California to mourn the loss of my brother.  In March I buried my parents, planned a double funeral and gave my first eulogy.  In April, I witnessed my little brother get married.  In May, I was there for his son’s birth.  In July, I became my nephew’s Godmother.  In August, I spent a week in NYC and did all the touristy stuff there.  In September, I went to my first Hockey game and fell in love (GO STARS!).  In October, I found out I was pregnant and got Swine flu.  In November I cried on my mother’s birthday.  In December, I received an award at the police department – won at a state level, but given to me by my chief of police (which really means a lot more to me, honestly, than the state giving it to me).  It’s called the “Silent Hero” award and it’s basically recognition of my service and dedication.

Did you have fun in 2009?
Not really.  I mean, I don’t want to flat out say “no” that I had no fun in 2009.  I did.  And I had moments of joy.  But almost every single fun event was overshadowed with the knowledge that my Mom and Dad would no longer be here to enjoy those moments.  That, for all the joy in the world, I couldn’t ever get them back.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
These questions are hard to answer this year, because this year was so full of grief and crying and stress and just trying to survive, much less focus on anything else real in the world.  I have no idea.  I think that I did exactly what I needed to do to survive.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
This is another difficult question to answer.  I wish I’d spent less time losing loved ones.  But that’s kind of obvious.  My life, this year, has been overshadowed by so much loss that to try to break it down into things I could do, or should have done more or less of, doesn’t seem right.  Existing in survival mode (which was how I survived most of this year) is not a normal state; not a state that one belongs in for extended times; and as I move away from that survival mode I will, in retrospect, find things that I could have improved upon.  Initially, my guess would be to say that I probably could have worried less, and had more faith in God’s sovereignty than I did.  But I’m giving myself a break, as others have this year.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 25, and there were two exciting things that happened.  As is tradition the family went to Schlitterbahn for Jennet and Teresa’s annual Schlitterbahn birthday bash, where we sit around and eat junk food and relax on the patio and hang out in the park and just… you know… relax.  We had it in early August, but I’m counting it still because it was for mine and Teresa’s birthday.

On my actual birthday though, my best friend Amy flew out to Texas and surprised me! It was craaaazy awesome, not sure how they pulled it off without me finding out, but it was awesome.  I had to work some of the days she was here, but it was still an amazing week.  We had so much fun! We shopped, and hung out, and got charms on our bracelets (Justin got me a charm – a starfish!) and just… it was very healing.

What did you want and get?
A digital SLR camera. New dressers. A new friend (hi Leslie). Pregnant!

What did you want and not get?
Another year without death.  It seems 2009 was a year of death

Post 2, 3, and 4 can be found by following the links.

On the subjects of food and flying

Justin and I have been doing a lot of things differently this week, some of which have been inspired by my pregnancy, some of which come of necessity for general health.

See, we’ve been planning our meals.  Now, for two people who work full time (often times at opposite shifts) and are relatively secure in our finances (although we can always save more, etc) we have been getting away with eating what’s been convenient.  Not healthy, mind you, convenient.  And it’s been great – except the fact that our vegetable intake consisted of the lettuce on our big macs.  Ok. I’m exagerating slightly, but you get the picture. Let me backtrack.

Since I got pregnant I’ve started doing small things in the house because I realize that by becoming a mother involves things like keeping the house relatively clean so the baby doesn’t eat the leaves the dog drags in.  And making sure that even if I don’t, the kid is getting healthy meals (when it’s old enough to eat meals and not just milk).  I realize more and more that I need to be doing things not just for the babies sake, but for mine and Justin’s sake.  If the roommates benefit, all the better for them, but the main focus was Justin and I.

I started reading flylady months ago, but never started.  I wasn’t ready, and she recommended something that I’m terrible at: baby steps.  I’m not good at them and neither is Justin.  I can’t start out every day with some small habit, I’ll get bored.  But if I write a control journal and say that I’m going to clean for 15 minutes every day and do three or four other things, then by golly I can do that.  We started about a week ago, and so far it’s working great! Well, great on the days that we’re not completely exhausted.  The days like today, when I come home exhausted and Justin’s been at work since the afternoon with a migraine and working until who knows when… those days are days where I don’t have anything special planned.  Just, you know, survive.  That’s good enough.  Baby steps, right?

We also started shopping the sales and planning meals, which brings us back to the original topic.  I found a website that took planning meals to a basic level.  Pick one meat and two veggies per day – don’t plan what to do with them, just plan the basics – and be done.  That works great for us because that way we can still decide how to work it out at that particular time.  If I tried to plan how I was going to prepare the foods I would have unnatural amounts of pressure, obsession, and hours wasted planning because of my OCD nature.  You can’t even imagine.  So with this plan we found a roast on sale! Yay!  So we paired carrots and potatoes with that.  Might have worked out great, but who knew I thought roast was disgusting?  Of course, that might just be the pregnancy talking: I’ve had a weird relationship with meat since about week 8.  I was hoping it would go away, but it seems to be sticking around.  Justin’s a big meat eater, so as long as we plan the meats/veggies a bit more carefully than we did the roast it should work out ok.  We’ve even planned enough to have leftovers for work the next day.

Here are things we could improve on:

• Don’t plan every day eating something new.  Sometimes (like today) we just want to eat a bag of popcorn and watch Law and Order: SVU reruns.  This should significantly cut down the cost.
• We don’t need 2 pounds of meat for the two of us to eat two meals.  YOU DO NOT EAT A LOT OF MEAT, especially not 1/2 a pound!
• Keep the meat and vegetables relatively separate within the meal.
• Plan on any crock pot meals to be done on Tuesdays or Wednesdays when someone is off work and can keep an eye on it. This would ensure the potatoes get done on time.
• Invest in some better storage containers to take to work.  Good storage means we’re more likely to take our lunch.

There you go.  Lessons learned from week 1.

Next week is Christmas, I feel kind of odd starting all these “new” habits mid-December.  But why put that much pressure on myself in January?  For a new habit to stick, I just need to be faithful.  We’re crossing my fingers.

Hopefully I’ll have more regular updating here in the next few days.  I’m working on my yearly recap.  It’s not pretty, but it’s true.  That says something, I suppose.

Too many cookies

I love Christmastime.  I love the music, the decorations, the over-the-top red and green and gold everywhere, I love pretty much all of it.

I love to bake.  So naturally, this is a great time of year for me! I was going to make small presents for my sisters kids, but decided to just send them cookies instead.  I’m making cookies for them, for work, for the mailman, for my doctor’s office, and for Joe and the wonderful crew at Herrera Auto Repair.  Oh! And for me and Teresa’s Christmas Party!  I definitely have the sweets covered between me and my her and her husband.

My sisters are looking forward to the cookies because last year my mother sent them cookies.  And she’s not here to do that this year.  I am not quite the cookie expert she was, but she definitely taught me well.  This season, more than others, I’ve felt the need to bake cookies.  I know I can’t fill her shoes, but it makes me feel closer to her by doing this.

It does make me incredibly nostalgic though.

Plus, I think my husband is worried I’ll never stop baking cookies.  Oh well

Finding words.

Yesterday I got an ultrasound with my husband by my side. And I realized, lying there on the table, covered in goop, with my husband holding my hand, that there are some moments that can’t be adequately put into words. Some things have to be experienced. They can’t be described; they can’t be lowered to the mortal world of words. I can tell you how amazing it was to see the kiddo moving around in my belly. I can tell you how tickled pink we were when we saw the whole thing moving around and it looked like it was doing the Running Man. I can tell you that hearing my husband breathlessly say “Awesome” made me feel awesome.

But all of that is just a drop in the bucket to how you actually feel when you are sitting there looking at the life you’ve helped create. The midwife took 2 pictures to give us, one of which clearly shows the face of the baby – it’s looking right at screen when she took the picture. I almost feel like the baby was looking at me, saying hi.

I can’t really describe how that makes me feel. Amazing and grateful and anxious and happy and excited and… so many emotions all happily jumbled together.

Today, I am thankful for yesterday.

The Rule of High Fives

Cory and Justin just had a long conversation about high fives.  Apparently, high fives are NOT cool anymore.  High fives have evolved into the fist bump (Obama, you may have done it on national television, but it was cool before that).

So, as a general rule, high fives are not allowed.  But, like all rules, there are exceptions.  Apparently, old people are high-five-able.

“If it’s an old person, and they’re old enough that high fives have always been cool to them, I’ll high five them. I’m cool with that.” -Justin, starting the conversation.

But see, it’s not just any old people.  Apparently, there are special old people who have special high-five-able status.  For example, old guys that are living in the past.  Specifically?  Oh yes, they got specific.

“That 40 year old guy, still driving a Thunderbird, wearing his letterman jacket? F’n-a right I’ll high five that guy!” -Cory.  Because, as everyone who knows Cory knows, he is full of wisdom.

“Unless he has a mullet.”  Says Justin. “If he has a mullet, I’m walking right by,” added Cory.

There were a lot of sentences I wanted to put after that, all of which shot down immediately by the boys.  Apparently, everyone hates mullets.  I wasn’t aware of this.  But it’s true.  So I’m told.

In conclusion, don’t high five people.  It’s not cool.

Unless it’s an old guy in his letterman jacket.  Then: high five away.

Where I ramble about good things in my life

I’m pregnant!

Most of my readers already know that (do you follow me on twitter? No? You should!) but this is the first time I’m writing about it online in more than 140 characters.

I’m. So. Excited! And terrified, which I hear is pretty common.

I spent the first few weeks absolutely convinced that God wasn’t going to let me have a baby.  I know that’s not right of me, and I’ve had to talk to God pretty honestly and brutally about that.  How can he blame me for being afraid? I’ve lost so much this year that is dear to me, wouldn’t it just be icing on the cake to take this from me too?  But I’m sure he doesn’t blame me.  I’m sure he’s up there shaking his head, wondering when I’m going to get it.

Probably never… but I’m going to keep trying.

So I apologized to God and tried to stay hopeful.  It helped immensely to have the first ultrasound.  I didn’t cry, it wasn’t life changing… I almost think I cheated myself out of the “OHMYGOSHITSABABY!” experience because I was so convinced that it wasn’t real – my response was more just an acceptance that it actually was real.

Justin and I weren’t going out of our way to have kids.  We knew that it would happen in God’s timing.  I wonder sometimes about God’s timing!  They tell me I’m not supposed to make any major life changes the year after losing someone you love, and I’ve lost 3.  It’s only been 9 months.  Am I ready?  Who knows.  Probably not!  No one is ever ready for parenting, right? That’s what they say, anyways.

We’re excited.  Justin is being adorable and patient and putting up with a lot, especially since pretty much all my favorite foods now taste absolutely gross to me.  I miss steak so much!  I haven’t been throwing up, but I have had every other pregnancy symptom you can imagine.  I’ve slept through the night about 5 times since I found out.  Who knew you’d have to pee so much when the baby is the size of a bean?

Oh, yes! I’m 12 weeks today.  So it’s actually the size of a plum.  Or a peach.

I’ll try to post more as the weeks roll by, but I’ll keep it brief for now.  Yay, baby!

I’m in a foul mood today.

I haven’t written in a bit mostly because my life has become such wonderful insanity that I’ve focused on living it instead of writing about it.  Which is great, but I’ve really missed the therapy of getting my thoughts out on (virtual) paper.  Even though I know not many people read, it’s good for me to say the things I say on here.
 
So I’m sorry, I’d like to update about all the awesome stuff in my life (and I will, soon) but for now I need to write for therapy’s sake.
 
I am so, so not looking forward to Thanksgiving.
 
I love the holidays.  For me, Christmas music is acceptable all year long, bells should jingle at least a full month and a half out of the year, and ohmygoshredandgreen!  I’ve never been too obsessed with Thanksgiving itself because I’ve always just seen it as the introduction to Christmas season.
 
Last year was the first year I hosted Thanksgiving.  My parents drove up from Magnolia to join us.  I made turkey, it turned out amazing.  I had to call my mom because we couldn’t get the giblets out of the turkey.  I called her and told her that I was calling with one of those stupid questions that I’d be harassing her with over the coming years, and said that the boys were telling me there wasn’t anything inside the bird, but surely there was, there’s always that bag of giblets, right? And she laughed and told me to try from the other end, you know, to get the insides out.  It was hysterical and inappropriate and I’m crying and laughing writing this because we laughed so hard when the boys finally found the giblets.  We didn’t eat until late, because we never eat until late when I’m in the kitchen because I’m terrible at timing food.  And my parents were there and we sat around my new home and we enjoyed the dinner.  It was amazing, and I didn’t take pictures of us because who would have thought it would be my last Thanksgiving with them?
 
This year, I have no desire whatsoever to have Thanksgiving dinner.  I work half a shift that day, and I’m working overtime on Friday and Saturday so a friend of mine can be with her family from out of state.  Justin and I both agreed we wouldn’t bother because of the pain and the hassle.
 
But through a crazy series of events (and me being completely unable to force lack-of-thanksgiving-dinner on other people who can’t get back home for the holidays) we’re doing Thanksgiving dinner.  And I thought I was OK with that.  But this morning I was talking it over with Justin in the car and I was telling him about a side dish I wanted but how I usually just called mom the day I was making it to make sure I had all the ingredients right.  And I just started crying.  And to be honest, I haven’t really stopped.  Tears may not be falling, but my heart is still weeping.

I knew it would be difficult but at the rate I’m going I just hope I can get through Thanksgiving dinner in one piece.   All I want to do is make thumbprint cookies with my mom.  I feel completely heartbroken that I will never get to celebrate this time of year with them again.